Tuesday, September 23, 2014

' You are all of life.' (Part I)

'I'm reminded how far we've come; You're the One that my heart is beating for.'
-The Undoing, Steffany Gretzinger

Last week in church, I felt extremely extremely prompted to share my story of that stage of our lives where we have to make major decisions for our future. For some of you who might be facing life decisions, I pray this post will bless your heart.

My story here was that in-between stage of after college to what course in university and which one. These major life decisions are really so difficult when you don't have a clue what you want to do in life. Some people are blessed to just KNOW what they're good at and already excel in it way before university. Unfortunately for me, I was not one of those child prodigies. I was that typical asian girl who did well with my grades just because they were my grades but saw nothing I wanted to do with those subjects in the future.

I figured however, that nobody would know the fullness of me like my own Creator and so I decided to pray about it a lot and for a really long time too. I truly desired to know what was on God's heart for me. I always wanted to do bible school/theology but my parents strongly wanted me to pursue a degree first and even though I told God I wanted to rebel and go to bible school, He gave me no peace for that; no peace for rebelling (like duh, faith). 

So I told God, I would give Him everything. I laid it down at His feet setting the wide range that I was willing to study the most difficult subject ever or even be a road sweeper if God said so. I prayed and prayed, and sought and waited, and got tired because it's tiring. My mum tried to give me a solution and said 'if God doesn't say anything, do medicine because God gave you the brains for it. The Bible says honour your father and your mother maaaa.' (she was and still is, cheeky). I guess I got tired and told God I would comply with that if He still remained silent on that issue.

There was this one week I remember, that I kept replaying this mainstream song that was made by a Christian band, FM Static called 'Dear God'. The song was originally written about a boy who was writing to God, because he just broke up with a girl or something along the lines of that. And it was certainly not supposed to relate to me but I don't know why I kept it on replay. (it's not even my genre of music)

That week was one where many people came and shared with me all their struggles and burdens, and I felt like I was carrying a lot. At the same time, I felt like no one really bothered about my struggles. It seemed like I had to be there for everyone but nobody was there for me. When I was blasting this song while showering one day, I suddenly started crying because every single line supernaturally spoke to me. At the last line of the chorus, it just hit me so hard. 'Sometimes u just got to look closer, instead of searching so hard'. It was like the loudest whisper + punch in my heart that screamed PSYCHOLOGY. That moment, I bawled.
[[ Disclaimer: I NEVER EVER wanted to do psychology because I hated that everyone was doing it. I thought it was lame hahahaha. I was extremely against it so this is not something I wanted but just suddenly clicked. ]]

After that incident of course, I started to doubt if that was all emotional or a God-encounter. When my mum was driving me home from school one day, I shared what happened with her and after I was done, she started crying too !! (I wasnt even crying this time) She was so fixed on me doing medicine but this completely changed her. Weirdddddd! But I still was so skeptical and told God I needed confirmation.

I can't remember how long or short after this, I went to serve in a YouthAlpha camp. Before most camps I go to, I pray about what I'm going to expect. But in this camp, since I was serving the people, I thought little of my own expectations. Before the last day of the camp, on the last night, God whispered and asked why I didn't expect anything from Him. I was surprised. So I said, "ok God. my only pressing question now is : what should I study? should I do medicine?" He replied, "That's the wrong question." 
So I asked, " Should I do medicine or psychology then? "
And He said, "That's the right question."

The next day (last day of camp), the speaker went up to speak and before he spoke, he said a word of prayer. When I was closing my eyes, not expecting anything, I saw the first vision I have ever seen so so clearly. I saw a silhouette of an ear. I tried to swap it away cause it was so weird and unexpected. Prayer ended. And so the speaker told us to turn to 1 Corinthians 12:12-27, the passage of Scripture about the Body of Christ. 

We read through it and he closed the Bible. He looked at the crowd of students and he pointed randomly and said 'are you a hand?', pointed again 'are you an eye?', pointed again 'are you a mouth?'
and then came my moment of sudden realisation.

Because of the question I had asked that night before, I knew the options were either medicine or psychology. I knew then for certain, with a confirmation from Scripture about the body of Christ I was to function in at this season, that I had gotten my answer. I was to serve as a listener, in respect to people and to God.

And so that's why I'm here in psychology! :D It's amazing asking God what He made us to do because He would know best since He created us and knows our future. It's incredible when we offer up our free will to ask Him His will. It's exciting the journey of pursuing and desiring and receiving.

 My challenge to you today, is to include God in all your decisions and not just in a passive way but in a way that you are willing to listen; even when it defies what you want to do at the time. For I believe my fleshly decisions can never exceed His wisdom. I'm grateful beyond words that God led me to doing psychology. The more I grow, the more I see how it's perfect for me. If I had chosen anything else, I would not enjoy these years of studying and would struggle through it. I wouldn't be the fullness of me. :) 

In the hopes of me continuing my writing spree, I will blog on my gap year and also how I chose to come to Australia. My prayer always, is that these stories will testify the goodness of God and will encourage you to desire more of Him!

He has more for you!
Write your own stories with the Lord!! He is so exciting! :))

'You know every detail of my life. You are God and you don't miss a thing. 
You know me.'



Shanti said...

This is encouraging! Till now I thought you were studying theology cos I remember that's what you wanted to study. Continue to be a blessing & a listening ear 😉

Xiwen Wendy said...

I almost cried reading this article. God gave us a purpose in life, and I am glad that I found it since I was young.